


forgetting is a lot harder than it looks

by shxdes



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Broken, Forgetting, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Other, Past Events, Sad Dave, Self-Hatred, but cant forget, dave isnt the cool kid in this case, i dont know what i was typing it just happened, idk what else to tag this???, it doesnt rly show suicide but if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-10-17 20:24:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10601574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shxdes/pseuds/shxdes
Summary: you wished you can forget things like these like you usually do





	

You try to forget a lot of things.

  
Which is pretty easy for you, as you forget everything. But you don't tend to forget things often, you usually write them down. It's pretty uncool of you, but you want to remember important dates and things people have said. The paper you write them down usually vanishes or is crumbled or in pieces, so you had stop doing that once that happened five times. It's nothing important though, so you wouldn't care. But you do. You care too much and you wish you didn't had to care about anyone or anything.

  
You have to be strong and show you don't with that perfect emotionless stare- the expression- everything seems like you don't give a shit. You hate that you do and you take things rather more serious than most. It's so stupid you wish you could laugh it off and brush it off, but it lingers into your mind; it carves itself into your brain. It's like it wants to be remembered. It should be remembered, you have no say in it. If you do take a say in it, it'll punch you in the face with emotions and negative thoughts, until you throw up the white flag, signaling you surrender.

  
You always do though, you always wave that flag like if its like your life depended on it. You often try to forget those actions that happened a couple of minutes ago, but they never do leave your head - it's like a lock is secured to your brain to every thought that had consumed and eaten you whole. You just want those thoughts to leave for once. To stop ruining your life. You never asked for these thoughts to impact you so much that your 'cool kid' act will be harder than you thought it would. You got the perfect monotone voice, the perfect stoic expressions, the slight nod and the slight smile all down so well that it seems like nothing can break you.

  
But over that, you were weak and were more easier to break when you heard those words in your mind and the persona was as if you were trying so hard now. You were and you weren't. You don't want your friends to start leaving you or look at you with pity in their eyes. But you know so well that they did, you just couldn't see it because they were kind and told you everything was going to be okay.

  
That was the biggest fucking lie they ever told you. It wasn't okay, it never was okay, because if it was okay you wouldn't be alone in your room, crying, feeling like nothing will ever fix this hole inside of you. But, you give them a not, as if you appreciated their help. You didn't, you didn't enjoy the fact that they had a better life than you- you envied them so much that they had a great life and you didn't. But you were being so selfish over that, you had a good life too. You learned how to protect yourself- but not how to protect you from yourself.

  
You soon forgot about how to protect yourself as your mind erased those memories almost, filling them with more demons that wrapped themselves around, as each morning felt like your were suffocating and each day was harder to be yourself that you managed to pull off. At least though, nightmares didn't come when you fall asleep because if they did, you will be both in hell. Asleep and awake.

  
It wasn't important though, none of the things you thought about or had mattered to you, because what mattered was the voice that your demons had. It sounded harsh, venom filled, hatred. It sounded almost like Bro's. Which was so hard to forget because his voice continued to taunt you, laugh at you, yell at you; you wish you can forget it, you wish you can forget it so much. It's what started this whole fucking thing. His voice was quiet for a while when you were young as you thought he was joking, but now, you're 17 and these thoughts were yelling, booming, it almost felt like you can hear them more clearly than when people speak to you.

  
Because you had that voice for all your life, you heard it, you heard it clearly and yells and taunts were things you heard almost daily. Almost. He could be nice if he wanted, it probably was when you couldn't remember much about it- when you were a toddler probably. As you only remembered up to your childhood that those insults began to rain down at you, spitting at you like you were dirt and the heel of his foot is digging into your chest as you could feel your own heart being ripping out and that hole- the hole you have now, is there. Remaining.

  
You wanted to forget that voice, you wanted to and screams that you gave your pillow and you punching your wall, you silencing them with a razor didn't help. His voice remained and stayed in your mind, playing lines like a broken record that caused you to lose it and fall, crying and crying, as you held your head in your hands and grabbing your hair tightly. You hated his voice, you hated him for making you like this - you hated how he can torture you when he isn't around.

  
Your mental state was broken permanently. He caused it, but so did you. You let him continue to break it and you let yourself think back at those thoughts, making you fall farther and farther into darkness until you can't see, you could only hear his voice and now, now you don't feel anything. You felt numb, you felt like you don't belong, you felt unneeded.

  
Forgetting things are tough.

**Author's Note:**

> hey  
> broken dave is my weakness whoops  
> sorry for the feels   
> not


End file.
